Back around 1960 my Uncle Carl noted that my Aunt Frieda’s old arthritic knees hurt when she scrubbed the floors. He knew just the right gift to show his gratitude for her decades of being a faithful helpmate, giving him four healthy, smart children, running the household on a small budget while he built his business, and never complaining. For several weeks he had a sparkle in his eye and dropped little hints about the big surprise to come. No amount of cajoling could convince him to say any more than “Just you wait!” The big day came. First the grandkids opened their presents. Then the adult children. My uncle was almost bursting as the moment arrived when it was finally time for his devoted wife to open his special gift. Wrapped in festive paper with a gold ribbon, it was long, wide, and flat. Wider, longer and thicker than a large book, my aunt opened the box and was truly shocked. She held it up for everyone to see: a dark red rubber pad, the Woolworth’s price tag still attached. She looked at Uncle Carl, uncomprehending. “It’s to kneel on when you’re scrubbing the floors so your knees don’t hurt!” She gasped and ran into the bedroom, followed closely by my mother and all the other ladies. There followed the sound of Aunt Frieda wailing and screaming in a mixture of English, Hungarian, and Yiddish. The Hungarian swearing was particularly terrifying. Every so often there was a fear-inducing silence. Then a loud shriek and sob and it began again. Still clueless, Uncle Carl pleaded, “What? I was just kidding! What’s she so mad about?” The ladies emerged from the bedroom, giving Uncle Carl murderous glances, and announced the party was over. We filed out of the house in silence, leaving Uncle Carl to his fate.
I don’t know how this all affected Uncle Carl and Aunt Frieda in the long run, but within a week Frieda had hired a cleaning lady, took Carl’s beautiful black 1957 Ford Fairlane and he started driving her much older Dodge, and they took a vacation to Puerto Rico.
The moral of the story: save the gag gifts for your buddies.